Quantum Moth

Subject: [I]The bambi debate (Nb. Highly intellectual content)
Date: 18 March 2001

With apologies to Everyone else.

Jens:
While we're on the subject, who did kill Bambi?

Gid:
Ed Tudor-Pole..

dave:
Nonononono, it was Godzilla. Hey, I saw the movie.

eric:
taking standard pantomime pose number 1

Oh no it wasn't![1]

Thom:
adopting standard pantomime pose number 28[2]

<deep breath>

Oh yes it was...!

<pause>

Hold on.

<Scratches knee, takes deeper breath>

Oh, no, it wasn't!

<Thinks about it. Leaves stage.>

<Large hiatus. Audience mutter>

<Re-enters with stuffed Bambi from Disney Store and plastic Godzilla from Woolworth's>

Now, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a standard intellectual impasse. Easily resolved, however, with the use of these clever visual aids. As we can see, Bambi -

<holds stuffed Bambi up and wobbles it slightly>

is clearly larger than Godzilla -

<Holds up admittedly small plastic Gojira-type creature and waggles its poseable arm as a type of wave>

Any conflict between them would surely result in the vanquishing of the radioactive monster lizard thing by the grotesque, out of proportion fawn. One would think.

However, the materials of their construction also come into play....

<Presses concealed button. Jolly pirate ship backdrop falls away to reveal a plain white screen. A slide appears, showing the molecular structure of plastic juxtaposed against cotton>

..As we can see from these slides, plastic is a lot harder than lovely strokeable, cuddly cotton. This - in combination with Godzilla's death- ray atomic breath-

<presses button on plastic Godzilla, which makes a tinny roaring sound and a feeble orange light emanate from the creature's mouth>

would almost certainly see to the doe-eyed, uh, deer. Thank you for your patience.

<pause>

Everyone else:
Oh, you had to spoil it, didn't you? That could have been a [C] thread, but oh, no.....

Thom:
Oh, yes...

Everyone else:
Oh, no....

Thom:
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue with you unless you pay.

<20p>

Everyone else:
So... where does Ed Tudor-Pole come into this?

<Another molecular formula slide clicks into place>

Thom:
Here we see the crystalline structure of "The Dome", wherein one may find gold and silver tokens. The more gold tokens one receives...

Everyone else:
You know what? Just forget it. Honestly, you've ruined a perfectly good night out, now. My kids have been waiting ages to see this and...

Thom:
Oh, I'm sorry. It's the drugs.

[1]Punctuation added in postproduction

[2]Just to the left of the Amusing Horse, looking faintly embarrassed and wondering how my agent got me this gig..

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